It was early January 2012 when Blaze lost is runner. The guy decided to relocate to interstate (smart move dude). And with Blaze not working it was easy for him to slip into the role, even if it hadn't been part of our deal. He couldn't care less on what we had agreed upon. As his power and ego grew, he knew he had me cornered. I was on maternity leave, I had no income and he supported me by giving me $500 a week. Which I had to duly note every cent I spent, and what I spent it on (nappies idiot). 

It would be fair to say I had become a nuisance. Always home with a baby, always wanting support and some time out for myself. I wasn't a nuisance at all. I was your normal first time mum needing the support of a 'loving' husband and father. I didn't get that. The more time away from the house Blaze could spend, the happier in his little meth world he was.

So off Blaze would go. Flight to NSW, thousands of dollars in his carry on luggage. Phone switched off for 1 to 2 nights, and then he would just reappear. After dropping off a hire car he would arrive back into Adelaide with copious amounts of Ice. I wish I could put a weight value on it for you, back then I just knew it was A LOT. I guestimate at first it would have been half a kilo at a time, but the shipments sure got bigger as time went on.... it was never a little jay bag here or there.... WAY MORE.

How does this 'just happen'??? It just did. A lot of it behind my back and all of it out of my control.  I guess what we haven't got to yet is how much I loved this man, madly. But how unaware of how much he was in control of my life. And that didn't become apparent to me while I was still living with him, and until I finally got some counselling to see clearly through the haze (pardon the pun). And I will get there and explain of that side of it to you, but you just have to stay with me here and understand I did not realise how bad this situation was or how fast it was moving into a dark space I never saw coming or want to be part of.

And so I settled into mumma life over winter with Blaze continuing fly in, fly out work with 5 weeks away and 1 week home. Blaze putting up the cash for large amounts of Ice, runners taking the cash to NSW and driving back down the Hay Plains with 'product'.  All of this being managed by Blaze working overseas. And me at home with a newborn.

In early December 2011 Blaze chose to finish up working up overseas, so he could be home for Jasper's first Xmas.  Blaze had declared that once he came home for good he was going to take a couple of months off work altogether. I didn't argue, he had been FIFO worker for the majority of our relationship, so it was nice to have him home for longer than 5 days. And let's face it, he was moving drugs anyway so there was cash flow if not legit.

Yet after about a week home Blaze told me he had been offered $10K to fly back overseas to work the week between Xmas and New Year. The construction company had a shortage of supervisors and offered high bonuses to anyone offering to work that period. Who could argue with that kind of money??

So Blaze flew out again on the 28th December 2011, back to work while I spend a lonely new years in a heatwave. Or so he said that is where he was. We will come back to this later.....

Yet once Blaze returned home a week later, the entire 'plan' fell apart and my life began to lose control and everything real was revealed as an illusion. The man I met completely changed into a crazy money hungry, drug induced, power and ego driven monster. Welcome to family life!

Jasper was only one month old when Blaze asked to move drugs on the side. Blaze had managed 2 weeks off for the birth of our son a month earlier. With a big baby in my belly, I was induced 3 days after the due date so Blaze didn't miss the birth. But that baby had no intention of coming out easy and after 8 hours of forced labour, high on lovely drugs and lots of Icey Poles, the decision was made on a C section. 

Blaze sat around the whole day, nervously eating his way through the cafeteria. In the operation theatre it was only minutes til Jasper (not my sons really name obviously) was born in July 2011. Happy and healthy. I had always known from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I was having a son, there was never any doubt in my mind.

Blaze was over the moon. But complications after the birth lead to a postpartum hemorrhage. I lost 1.5 litres of blood, had several blood transfusions and was taken back into surgery to tie off blood vessels.  I eventually woke up in the ICU where I spend the next 2 days, with Blaze bring Jasper down for feeds every few hours. I never really understood the seriousness of the situation at the time.

I spent 6 nights in total in hospital (thank you private health cover). I was so weak I could barely get out of bed. But Blaze wouldn't stay overnight with me, claiming IBS and tummy cramps so severe he needed to be in his own bed (you'd think hospital would have also been the best place for him to be). So off he'd go every afternoon, leaving me to manage feeds overnight on my own with the help of the nurses. 

We finally bought Jasper home together. Blaze completely out of his depth with how to deal with me so weak and a new baby. And only a few days later, he flew back overseas to work and my mother in law stay for a week to help. I always had a great relationship with my in-laws. Only 15 years older than me, we related to each other very well. They lived regionally in South Australia so we didn't see them regularly, but they were always supportive and great company.

Our party tribe were already crumbling and their personal lives falling apart. One very successful couple with 2 young children abused drugs constantly, fought constantly. Their children witnessed drug use around them from a very young age. Something that always made me uncomfortable and wished I had said no to a lot more in my own home. Another friend saw himself in and out of rehab, stealing from family and friends. In complete despair.

I grew up in the Eastern suburbs of Adelaide. My family unit had two loving parents and an elder brother. I completed high school, a Diploma in Business Management. In other words I was well educated, had a good upbringing, a pretty standard average Aussie chick. What I am trying to say in that I'm not a victim of a family cycle of abuse.  To put it plainly, I was the blacksheep of the family who jumped the conservative tracks for the rush of alcohol and drugs.

I guesstimate it was around August 2011 when Blaze asked me if he could run drugs. Jasper was one month old. My answer was NO. Straight out NO. We had watched our best friends marriage completely crumble and another friend was lost in rehab cycles because of Ice. Why in the world would I want my husband to start moving drugs?!!  What good could come of it? Blaze wanted to be the money man. That was the plan. And he had money, not that he shared it with me. For the best of 2010-2011, Blaze worked FIFO construction overseas. 5 weeks away, 1 week home. His annual earning during this period - $220K. This was not a man who needed extra cash in desperation.

He took my NO and kept at me for weeks:
- Think of the money we could make in a short period of time.....
- While you are on maternity leave, you will pretty much have access to the same salary...
- I just want to make sure I can financially care for you and Jasper....
- I will only do it for 6 months, its a quick cash influx.....

On and on and on.... Until eventually he wore me down and I agreed. 6 months. He could only be the money man. He wasn't to touch the drugs or bring them into our family home. 

How does someone wear you down from a NO to a YES? That's what you are thinking right? I can tell you now what I didn't know then. Blaze was a master manipulator, a con artist, a liar of the most creative and grandeur kind. He had conditioned me for 8 years to have everything in his 'perfect life' look and be a certain way to those looking in. He had conditioned me to be, act and believe in a certain way. And I had no idea. Eyes wide shut.

I met 'Blaze' (fake name for husband person and so appropriate given the topic) when I was 29 and he was 23 years old. Instant attraction, gut wrenching, 'this one is going to be trouble', head over heels, can't speak attraction. And was he attractive. HOT. Blue eyed, blond surfie and fit as. Chiseled facial features and always smelt delicious. He made me nervous just speaking over the phone. 

Together for 8 years and married for 3 of those, looking back now there were always red flags of deception, that he so cleverly manipulated and convinced me were not as they seemed. I was so blindly in love with this man, and so trusting. Too trusting.

We had always partied hard. I had been partying my way through my 20's, 30's and even half of my teenage years. Drugs and alcohol were pretty much a given on weekends. During the week we both worked hard, ate clean and looked after ourselves. It's true to say though, in the last year or so before our son was born that weekends began to stretch out from Thursday to Monday. Sick days became more frequent and our accessibility to drugs was instant.

When I fell pregnant in November 2010. I expected that when we became parents that would change. I had been pushing to extend our friend circle outside the drug scene. I wanted normal, less drugs, more social outings like dinner and BBQ's etc with like minded people.  Blaze didn't. He liked the party scene and the popularity of hosting house parties, his ego strokes. To put it bluntly, it's easy to look back now and realise that his values and morals actually never matched mine from the very beginning. If only I knew the what I know now.

Seven years ago today. In the middle of a 5 day heatwave, and I am talking 5 days straight of 40+ degrees. Home alone with my baby son of just 6 months. Living in the family home south of the city. Isolated. The only person I've seen in 3 days is a guy who comes to pick up 3 eightballs of Ice. The Drug. My husband decided he wanted to become a drug trafficker. My husband, which I was soon to discover lived a double life. My husband, who had said he was working over New Years (FIFO Worker) was actually on the Gold Coast with his 20 something girlfriend at a 5 star hotel. While I sat at home. Alone. For 5 days in the searing hear with a 6 month old. Happy New Year! 2012 was the year I learnt who my husband really was. And not only who he was, but what he was capable of.